Of course, if a happy marriage was
easy to achieve, we’d have a much lower divorce rate and far fewer affairs.
Unfortunately, it’s much easier to fall in love than it is to stay in love. Just
as we can use the body’s own chemistry to chart the effect of infatuation, we
can also use it to understand that waning desire is a natural part of any
long-term relationship. As Oscar Wilde said, “The essence of romance is
uncertainty,” but uncertainty is precisely what you are giving up when you get
married. Sadly, finding the right person can never be reduced simply to smelling
sweaty T-shirts, appealing though that prospect might be. As studies have shown,
this chemical element of romance lessens over time. One researcher has found
that the altered brain chemistry of falling in love lasts roughly six to eight
months. Others have found that it takes two to three years for the feelings of
infatuation to fade to feelings of neutrality—not mild attraction but
neutrality!
The problem with relying on our
passion to guide us is that a marriage has to stand the test of time to be
successful. Some people may feel relieved when they get divorced, but I don’t
think anyone has ever counted it as a success. To base a long-term relationship
on short-term chemistry alone is a little like buying a car based on how it’s
going to run for the first one hundred miles.
This isn’t a marital problem. It’s a
human problem. We all experience this waning of desire in countless ways. The
excitement of anticipation gives way to the dullness of routine. If you have
ever bought a new car or started a new job, you have experienced this sensation.
This isn’t such a big deal when it comes to a car purchase. If you have the
money, it’s a relatively simple matter to get a new car. But it is a huge deal
when it comes to marriage. The funny thing about the waning of our desires is
that even though all of us have gone through this multiple times, studies show
that we forget about it each and every time. We also do a terrible job of
predicting how we will feel in the future, always expecting that it will be more
like that present than it is. You can imagine how potentially destructive these
habits of mind are for a couple who marries while still infatuated with each
other.
If you are one of those people who
simply refuse to accept this and want your passion to burn as brightly after
forty years as it does after one day, there is one possible solution—more sex.
According to several experiments, animals show less habituation to positive
feelings when given oxytocin, which is released during sex. It’s not clear how
much sexual activity it will take to hold habituation at bay, but I invite any
energetic readers to give it their best shot. For the rest of us, it’s time to
come to terms once again with the cost of the romantic story line.
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